Why I STILL Love and Hate Whole Foods Market

Sure, I said this before, like when I said I love Whole Foods because I enjoy watching overly thin women in baseball caps take two hours to pick the right vitamin, but now I have even more reasons why I both love and hate thee, Whole Foods Market.

Firstly, now that the economy is going south, you are actually putting things on sale. “Simply Orange” orange juice, under $3.00? A reasonable price? Are you having a going out of business sale? I love your food, and love your low prices more! But quit hiding them! It’s not a “secret sale”. They do try to fool you with the $2.00 can of tuna right next to the $5 one. Which will you pick in your haste to get home before the baby starts crying? Do you feel lucky?

I took my eight month old son there and normally he is good in supermarkets and looks around contentedly. Sitting in his carrier up high on the handlebars he looks around like he’s on a Disney ride. But not today. Today, he screamed his head off causing every judgmental woman around me to look over and see what was going on. I saw the look they were giving me, like “I wonder if that’s really his kid.” So I quickly took him out of his carrier and held him. He stopped crying immediately and all the nosy women around me seem to breathe a sigh of relief. That never happens at Trader Joe’s, by the way. There are much less judgmental shoppers there who are just interested in getting a box of Cranberry Crunch cereal or a $2.00 bottle of wine from a brand that shouldn’t really exist than to see why a baby is crying. But I held the baby the whole time and did all my shopping with one hand, which was kinda hard.

Lastly, I was Angelina Jolie at my whole foods store, the day of the Academy Awards. Or was it Golden Globes? I don’t remember. I do remember seeing a very thin woman in an overcoat, hat, and sunglasses analyzing mangos. As soon as you see someone in warm sunny LA in an overcoat, hat, and sunglasses, you know it’s a celebrity. Nothing screams “I’m a celebrity in disguise” faster than dressing like a 50s secret agent. But then there was something familiar about her disguise, and I realized she was wearing the same clothes as she wore in The Changeling. So it was a retro disguise as well. Now it’s entirely possible that this was a crazy person dressed up like Angelina Jolie, who was concerned about getting organic fruit. But I don’t think so. I think it was the real deal, and yes, I left her alone. Scott Baio I may have said hi to, although I didn’t when I saw him at the Ralph’s a few years ago. But next time, I might. We’ll see.

So with your good food, high prices, hidden celebrities and even more hidden sales, our love-hate relationship will continue, Whole Foods Market. For as long as I can afford it.

Happy Valentine's Day

I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day. A holiday manufactured by retailers and often all it does is mock single people. But this year, my Mom was in town and we could go out. Kid Free for a nice romantic evening. Any excuse to actually go out, I’m down. So my wife thought we should go out for dinner and a movie, our favorite date since our early twenties.

But then I did some research and saw that my favorite play was being performed in Santa Monica: Macbeth. I asked my wife if she wanted to see it on Valentine’s Day. She coyly replied that it wasn’t very romantic, it being Valentine’s Day and all. “Doesn’t he get beheaded in the end?”

Okay, so maybe it’s not what you call a light play, but it explores human nature, unbridled ambition, and doing horrible things to obtain power. It explores questions about free will and destiny, and if we really are masters of our will, or just hurdling towards a preordained prophecy, regardless of our actions or how much we try and fight it. What could be more romantic than that?

So we had an amazing two hour dinner at Le Petit Restaurant and then sadly missed the last showing of Slumdog Millionaire. But it was fine. We enjoyed ourselves and for the first time I really didn’t mind being manipulated by a commercially manufactured holiday. We had a little wine and before you knew it I was saying to the waiter, "Lay on, Macduff, And damned be him that first cries: Hold, enough!" My wife just told me to sit down and finish my cobbler.

How I Knew Not To Take My Four Year Old to See Coraline.

Guest Blogging again over at www.ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com Enjoy!

http://ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-i-knew-not-to-take-my-four-year-old.html

Chris

My Three Year Old Wants to Smoke

When you have a three year old, she wants to do everything she sees someone else doing. It started at around two, when we were in line waiting for the Monsters Inc ride at Disneyland and another parent swung their kid up high while waiting in line. She looked at me and said “I want to do that.” So we did it. I swung her and the line finally moved and we got on the ride. It’s not bad. Not great, but not bad. At this point, I expect a little bit more from my robotics than a blink and a hand gesture, but I’m highly critical of cybernetic technology. It’s not the 50s anymore. I’m just saying.

So this “I want to do that: continued with everything from seeing someone drive a truck, ride a bus, or watching Spiderman spin a web, any size, and then catch thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman… And yes, I trashed that WB new Spiderman show before, but once I got past the weird character design, it’s actually a pretty good show. Bella and I watch it together every Saturday Morning. She also wants to now go to high school and fight the Green Goblin, but one thing at a time.

We went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory last night, always an adventure with two kids, and when Bella got antsy I took her to walk around the rim of the small fountain. I held her hand and she loved walking around it until the security guard told us to stop. He said we could throw money in, though, that was okay. Geez. Thanks.

So we were sitting there, not walking around the fountain when Bella pointed to someone who sat near us. “I want to do what that man is doing.” She said.
“What Man?”
“That Man, right there.”
“I looked over at it was a man smoking. Then I looked again and realized it was actually a woman. The irony almost made me laugh out loud. I kept thinking of that “Smoking is Beautiful” poster they had up in high school with this wrinkled old ugly man smoking.
So I said, “No Bella, You can’t smoke. It’s a filthy disgusting habit.” The problem is the man/woman heard me. She/he gave me a look and walked away with a puff of smoke. I then added, a bit too loudly, “And it’s not a man, it’s a woman.”

Our daughter is becoming more away of the world around her, and that means more explanations and some creative verbal improv without the help of the audience yelling “freeze”. Good thing I have a lot to say.

Another Interesting Year

Living in LA is like living in another world. It’s really true. When you are raising a family in LA the normal and mundane collides with the absurd on a quite regular basis. Right now I am staying home with our new baby and will be for the next year or so. But I’m still working in the entertainment industry and living in LA so it never really becomes normal. How do those two things combine? Like oil and water, and here’s the thing: I’m not complaining. I like the unpredictability and excitement in my life but now it’s tempered with routine and a hint of normalcy.

I am just finishing up my book which will be out June 2 called PACIFY ME: A HANDBOOK FOR THE FREAKED OUT NEW DAD. Audge works during the day so after baby duty during the day for me then I’ve been working at night. So we’re both pulling double shifts and have never looked so forward to relatives coming out to visit. “Yes, it’s good to see you, Mom and Dad. Please take these children. We’ll be back in four hours. Maybe.”

But like I said it’s another world. In between taking care of our baby I’ve been writing a book, doing a radio interview here and there, performed on stage in vegas when we can coordinate a visit with a relative to watch the baby for the week, and been working on my website http://www.comedyfilmnerdsdotcom.com/ with my partner comedian Graham Elwood. We find it very fun to play internet mogul once a week in my garage. And yes, Griffin is there for every one of our meetings. Often he participates will loud outbursts during the reading of the minutes, and his opinions are duly noted.

So it could be a very interesting year. Once again a year mixed with hard work, fun, difficulties and unpredictability. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Cat is Trying to Spoon Me

We have a really weird cat. Her name is Avatar and she was a four month old stray that scared the shit out of Audrey right before we got married. Audge was going out to do laundry in the laundry room of our apartment complex and she came back in scared. I asked her what was wrong. She said a possum just chased her back up the steps. Now we did have possums in the complex, which as weird enough for Park Labrea, but I had never heard of one chasing someone up steps before. When I opened the door to check, a little starving white four month old kitten greeted me, meowing. Obviously the first thing I said was "Does that look like a possum to you?"
"...Well, it did in the dark," my wife replied.

We kept the cat and it was most grateful. She would greet us at the door, sleep in bed with us, and stay on our laps when we watched television. She was our baby.

But then of course we had actual babies. And sadly, pets don't quite get the attention that they are used to when a child or two comes along. Now our cat was cool about it and never showed anything more than disinterest for either child. And still doesn't, really, even though Bella is almost four. As if she made up her mind to ignore our children until they leave for college. Her choice.

But every once in a while the cat lets me know it's not cool. Like last night. Instead of sleeping at the foot of the bed, she snuggled right up into the crook of my arm and then when I turned over I felt her lie down and lean against my back. She was telling me, "I know these little people seemed to suddenly appear and get all the attention, but don't forget who was here first. If you do, I may just "forget" where my litter box is. Consider this your only notice."

So we try to give the cat a little more attention. But we're just so freaking tired. She understands. Okay, no she doesn't. But she should. She sleeps fourteen hours a day, for Pete's sake. She's tired and all she does is stretch, purr, and give us periodic guilt-inducing looks.

The Blog, Book Deals, and Doing Things in Reverse

I am working on the Blog. In more ways than one. I have started to learn about layouts and gadgets and html and all sorts of stuff that is making my head hurt.

The thing is, I did things in reverse. Nowadays it's all the rage to be a big blogger and then get a book deal. Well, I sorta got a book deal first and now I'm working on getting my blog presentable for when the book releases on June 2, 2009. "My Life is Over: A handbook for the freaked-out new Dad" will be out in bookstores just in time for Father's day.

I could not be happier about getting a book deal, obviously. It's something I've been working on for over 2 years, and it feels odd that I'm actually going to have to let it go soon. Kind of like being a parent, I suppose.

So think of my blog as a learning experience. Well, for me. All you have to do is read and judge. Now that I've turned the book in and I am waiting for notes I will have a little more time to devote to it. It will start to get prettier, I swear. I am taking the hands on approach and that will continue until you see a blog post filled with cursing, and then about 2 hours later I will probably hire someone.

I will be updating the blog more and give you the skinny on how the book deal came about and how it's going. I'll also be adding gadgets and all sorts of things that I don't really understand.

So let's take this journey into the dark, dense global village together, shall we? Maybe I can borrow your flashlight.