Thursday, March 26, 2009

Why I STILL Love and Hate Whole Foods Market

Sure, I said this before, like when I said I love Whole Foods because I enjoy watching overly thin women in baseball caps take two hours to pick the right vitamin, but now I have even more reasons why I both love and hate thee, Whole Foods Market.

Firstly, now that the economy is going south, you are actually putting things on sale. “Simply Orange” orange juice, under $3.00? A reasonable price? Are you having a going out of business sale? I love your food, and love your low prices more! But quit hiding them! It’s not a “secret sale”. They do try to fool you with the $2.00 can of tuna right next to the $5 one. Which will you pick in your haste to get home before the baby starts crying? Do you feel lucky?

I took my eight month old son there and normally he is good in supermarkets and looks around contentedly. Sitting in his carrier up high on the handlebars he looks around like he’s on a Disney ride. But not today. Today, he screamed his head off causing every judgmental woman around me to look over and see what was going on. I saw the look they were giving me, like “I wonder if that’s really his kid.” So I quickly took him out of his carrier and held him. He stopped crying immediately and all the nosy women around me seem to breathe a sigh of relief. That never happens at Trader Joe’s, by the way. There are much less judgmental shoppers there who are just interested in getting a box of Cranberry Crunch cereal or a $2.00 bottle of wine from a brand that shouldn’t really exist than to see why a baby is crying. But I held the baby the whole time and did all my shopping with one hand, which was kinda hard.

Lastly, I was Angelina Jolie at my whole foods store, the day of the Academy Awards. Or was it Golden Globes? I don’t remember. I do remember seeing a very thin woman in an overcoat, hat, and sunglasses analyzing mangos. As soon as you see someone in warm sunny LA in an overcoat, hat, and sunglasses, you know it’s a celebrity. Nothing screams “I’m a celebrity in disguise” faster than dressing like a 50s secret agent. But then there was something familiar about her disguise, and I realized she was wearing the same clothes as she wore in The Changeling. So it was a retro disguise as well. Now it’s entirely possible that this was a crazy person dressed up like Angelina Jolie, who was concerned about getting organic fruit. But I don’t think so. I think it was the real deal, and yes, I left her alone. Scott Baio I may have said hi to, although I didn’t when I saw him at the Ralph’s a few years ago. But next time, I might. We’ll see.

So with your good food, high prices, hidden celebrities and even more hidden sales, our love-hate relationship will continue, Whole Foods Market. For as long as I can afford it.


LM said...

Well, do I go to Whole Foods or not? Do I sacrifice lower prices for screaming kids? We'll see.

Very clever writing, an enjoyable read.

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