Sunday, November 22, 2009

Pulled Over Going 40 Miles Per Hour

We all get speeding tickets at one time or another, and they suck. Does this mean we’re all speeders? Now, it means that speed traps have gotten more tricky and ridiculous to raise more money. The old cop joke: “Do cops have ticket quotas?” “I don’t have a quota, I can write as many tickets as I want”

I was taking Bella to school the way I’ve always gone for four years. I had my brother with me in the car and we were going to the airport afterwards. Nothing out of the ordinary. Right before Bella’s school is a high school that I pass every day. But this day I didn’t pass it.

I was stopped for the light outside the entrance to the high school and one of the fattest policemen I had ever seen waddled into traffic and told the guy in front of me and myself to pull over. Turns out he hadn’t tagged the guy in front of me, he just needed him to pull over to get to me. But then they started having a conversation and then the cop put his hand on his gun. Whoa, what’s going on? For a second I got a little frightened. I realized since this porky here obviously couldn’t run anyone down, he may be a pretty good shot to compensate for it. I thought maybe he had a desk job, but I don’t know if he would fit. At some point you have to be in shape to get through the Police Academy, right? So why don’t they retest periodically, or at least set a weight limit to that of a small building? But whatever the conversation was about, it ended and the other dude was on his way, scott-free.

The corpulent cop then explained to me I had been going 40 in a 40 zone, but since there are children present the speed limit was 25. What?! First of all, this is a HIGH SCHOOL. Some of these “kids” could be 18. Second, there is no school zone sign. I later learned it’s a block away in the other direction, so you would only see it if you were going a different way than I drove every day.

I looked at him write up my ticket on his motorcycle and thought OMG, this is the guy from that Guinness Book of World Records picture with the twins on the scooters.

So this leviathan in jack boots waddled back to my car and gave me my ticket. This was complete bullshit, and I saw he was pulling over three cars at a time all week because it was a trick speed trap. I tried to flash my lights on the way back to warn other drivers but I’m not sure if it helped. I didn’t say anything because I was so angry (not even a thank you!) and you certainly don’t want to make it worse. The typical responses all came to mind: “Why don’t you catch some real criminals? Try patrolling INSIDE the high school for a change. Have you tried Slimfast?” But I kept them to myself.

I was soon back on my way and dropped Bella off and explained what a ticket was. She was a bit confused. “A GOOD ticket gets you into Disneyland. A BAD ticket a fat policeman gives you for driving too fast. So there are different kinds of tickets”

Now LA has this system where they make it almost impossible and a huge hassle to not only fight a ticket but actually pay one. The inflatable cop lied and said “You’ll get the ticket in the mail and it will tell you how much you owe.” I knew that was bullshit from getting a ticket a few years back. That never happens. They never mail you anything so they hope you won’t take care of it and they can add extra fees on top of it. You have to call, go online or even go to the courthouse to even plead not guilty, and then you still have to pay the fine. Then if you win, you get a refund. My first instinct was to just pay this ticket and do traffic school and be done with it. But then I thought fuck that. There was no sign and this was a trick. I’m going to court. I’ll let you know how it goes. Perhaps if I baked that nice cop a batch of brownies he would “forget” to show up to court. Nah, I can’t afford that much mix.

Friday, November 13, 2009

More Random Thoughts

Sometimes it’s nice to just put down some random thoughts because they are lonely and have nowhere else to go. Not big enough for a blog, but too big for Twitter. OK, maybe I just made that up, but still, random.

Big Bang Theory is actually a watchable network sitcom. I’ve also discovered, late into the game, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I just got invited to a LARP (Live Action Role Playing) game/event. At first I thought it was like a key party, but turns out it’s a Deadwood themed party that’s actually also a game. So I’ll need to work on my pronunciation of “cocksucker”. I haven’t committed to it yet, but I will say I am intrigued and requested more information. I do remember playing Dungeons and Dragons in high school ON PAPER, but this would obviously be far nerdier. In fact, I think this may be Nerd Everest. Once you LARP, I mean what’s left? Building your own sex robot, maybe, but I don't know how to do that.

I do NOT look like that guy from Imagination Movers….. He looks like me.

Sometimes the best part about having two kids is thinking about how great it is that you don’t have three.

When I have 50 followers I’ll add the Followers gadget. Only 41 more to go.

I am always one social networking site behind, which I think says something about me and my social and networking skills.

I haven’t performed in Las Vegas since the summer and I am really beginning to miss it. I’m the only one who goes to Las Vegas to get some sleep.

I just got the PS3 Netflix disk in the mail and it’s awesome. Netflix on my TV! Limited on-demand library! Imagine if they actually had movies I wanted to watch on demand!

Just watched Coraline on Blu Ray and the 3-D actually works. Imagine my surprise. 3D on TV used to be relegated to getting the glasses at Wawa and then when the show “event” would come on it wouldn’t work and be blurry. I remember Creature from the Black Lagoon and some Kung Fu movie from my youth. Neither worked.

Between the baby and the cat, some days it seems like I’m cleaning up crap all day long. Either in a box or in a diaper, it’s there, and it has to go.

I bought the new Paramore CD and while I’m enjoying it I feel guilty about it.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I Think I'm Getting Older

I think I’m getting older.
Here are some signs, and frankly, I don’t like them. Time, Time, Time, See what's become of me... Hazy shade of winter, blah blah blah

1)I remember when a time before e-mail.

2)I remember a time before blogging.

3)The only way my children can watch Bugs Bunny cartoons or the Three Stooges is on DVD.

4)My children say things like “I want to watch something on-demand” and “iphone” and “what does underwater on your mortgage mean?”

5)When I saw Queensryche live four years ago the lead singer said “are there any parents here?” and most of the audience cheered. The stadium was only half full, but to be fair, even when Queensryche was popular their shows were only half full.

6)I had a walkman that played one whole CD at a time.

7)As a kid, getting a VCR was a big deal and it took half a day to hook up.

8)Computers were more expensive, and the high end ones had a full 40 megabyte hard drive.

9)I keep saying things like 40 is the new 39 and I’m only half kidding.

10)I still hate Twitter.

11)I’m starting to hate Facebook.

12)I’m a mostly put off by, but yet a tad jealous of the actor from some FX show renting the house across the street who walks around outside mostly naked to show off his tattoos so casting agents think he’s “dangerous”. He has poker parties almost every day, bangs a bunch of models and says “Fuck!” really loud into his cell phone when he’s sitting on the front step. Shirtless.

13)I have a backlog of video games I still haven’t played. I can’t even get to Brutal Legend. I remember wasting away HOURS in my friend's basement playing the following Atari 2600 games: Missile Command, Adventure, Maze Craze, Megamania, and Superman.

14)I get excited over a good meal. I mean REALLY excited. OK, maybe that just makes me a foodie.

15)After my wife had our first child we no longer got the Victoria Secret catalogues and every day I miss them a little less.

16) I’m at Home Depot more and at Gamespot less.

17) I go into Hollywood sometimes and see the young hipsters and just want to smack them. Actually, this has nothing to do with them being young.

18) I still enjoy going to Disneyland, but now I have to worry about the kids getting Swine Flu.

19) I remember being upset the day Jim Henson died.

20)I remember when the GOOD cartoons were all on Saturday morning.

How about you?

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