She Just Ran Right Out of the House

We were getting delivery one night and Bella likes to answer the door with me. As I was paying the delivery man Bella decided, for the first time, she was just going to bolt right out of the house. At first the delivery guy laughed but then as Bella kept running he stopped and walked quickly to his car. It was getting a little uncomfortable, because she wasn’t coming back.

So I chased my daughter who was of course trying to escape. She ran down the driveway and then across the lawn and then into the neighbor’s lawn where I finally caught up to her. She was laughing and thought it was a big joke, and then mentioned that I was gripping her arm a bit tightly.

This was something I was kind of expecting, and dreading. Mainly because short of an electronic collar (which isn’t as bad of an idea as it sounds) a three year old is really capable of going anywhere at anytime.

Everything ran through my head at once, like what if she ran out into the street and was hit by a car, ran and I couldn’t find her, ran and was plucked up into the sky by a giant raven, etc. It scared me and yet I knew those moments were coming. Somehow, that didn’t help.

So we had a talk with her about not running out of the house and while we were having this serious discussion with her we both knew in her head all she was hearing was the theme to The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Still we thought it was important to go through the motions.

The lesson here is that just because your child HASN’T done something doesn’t mean that today isn’t the day it all changes. If you’re quick you can spot the light bulb over their heads and hear the “ding” right before they do something new and most likely dangerous, but most of the time we’re always playing catch up. All I’m saying is always have your running shoes on.

Pause the Book

I was reading to Bella before she went to sleep and she wanted to get a different blanket. She then said to me "pause the book" I started laughing and said, “Sure. I’ll pause the book.”

As she went to get her other blanket from the other room I thought about how technologically advanced our lives had become. Since she is used to DVDs and DVRs, and knows you can pause live television and movies. “Pause the show. Pause the movie.” She used the same term for our “low tech” devices like books.

All the words my three year old is saying are things that didn’t exist when we were children. I know that’s making me sound like I’m a hundred years old. Like the old grandpa joke “We used to walk to school uphill in the snow, both ways….” Of course we live in LA so Bella asked “What’s snow?”

“Cell Phone”, “E-mail”, “Wii Fit”, and “Variable Rate Mortgage” are all words that are new to our language, and our kids pick them up like they were always here.

The good news is that to a child, there is no difference in a video game or an old wooden puzzle. If they are engaged and enjoying it, they don’t care if there is a screen or not. But here’s where the parent comes in. Where do you put the emphasis? We try (most of the time) to put the emphasis on books and playing outside old skool and turn the tech off. And when you do that, something very interesting happens. Your children will be more interested in what is seems to be you’re interested in. Imagine that. If you praise the magic of books and make them magical presents and rewards, your kids will love books. If you do that with ice cream, well then in 20 years they are going to be calling Jenny Craig and blaming you.

So turn off the tech, and explain why books and going outside and riding a bike are still better than watching The Wiggles. Actually, anything is better than watching the Wiggles. Man, do they suck. So in other words, “unpause the book.”

Willy Wonka and Parenting

My daughter has discovered Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Her favorite part is the “blue girl.” “Violet, you’re turning violet, Violet!”

It's always been one of my favorite movies. But watching it now with children adds to the experience. The movie takes on meaning on a whole other level.

I just watched the featurette and it was fascinating. The film was funded by Quaker Oats to promote a candy bar, the Wonka Bar, that had, get this, a design flaw. It melted before it got to store shelves and had to be pulled. So a movie came out to promote a chocolate bar, but there was no chocolate bar. Holy product tie-in fiasco, Batman!

The movie was a bomb when it came out. Parents didn’t like it and found it to be cruel and mean. All those horrible things happening to those kids! They were disappearing, shrinking, being made into giant blueberries! But kids, however, loved it. Here’s the crux of it and this is something the director Mel Stuart and author Roald Dahl knew all along. Kids didn’t find the movie cruel at all. Kids really want boundaries and limits. They don’t really want to do whatever they want. They want to be shown boundaries and they are very much aware of bad behavior and good behavior, regardless of whether they are watching it or engaging in it.

Not only do children want boundaries, they admire the person who gives them to them. That’s why kids never found Willy Wonka scary, while parents did. He’s a big kid himself, but he is also a surrogate parent who tells children where the boundaries are, and what the consequences are for crossing them. And he does it all with candy and a creepy orange skinned rather short workforce. Gene Wilder was simply astonishing in this role, if you go back and really watch him. A sugar coated anarchist with a child’s soul.

Although I will say no one talks about the nightmarish boat scene on the featurette which still is the most disturbing sequence on film in any children’s movie. How Rob Zombie was able to travel back through time and direct that sequence I’ll never know. But I will say I do fast forward through that part and won’t let Bella watch it. I remember it giving me nightmares as a kid. Worms crawling on the face, a chicken getting its head cut off, etc. Someone should have checked the editor’s backpack for his own “candy” before he went into the bay every night.

The book came out in 1964, the movie 1971. And it taught all about the perils of gluttony, being spoiled rotten, too much television and the virtues of reading books and being honest. A timeless tale with timeless lessons. You owe it to your child to put both the book and movie in his or her library. I wonder if Quaker Oats still gets royalties from the movie. “I said Good Day!”

I’m here in Las Vegas and I was still woken up early by screaming children.

Here I am on my first Vegas gig at the Improv at Harrah’s since Griffin was born six weeks ago. I was looking forward to the rest. Yes, I’m the only one who goes to Vegas to get some sleep.

When you have two children you get to Vegas and realize what a quiet town it is. The casino and slot machines hardly make any noise at all. Gosh, It’s so quiet I could sleep right here on the floor next to the Blue Man Group.

I used to come to Las Vegas, work and go out and drink and party at night. Now when the shows are over I can’t wait to get back into the hotel room, check e-mail, read some comic books and go to sleep. I did try to go out one night with one of the other comedians. We went to the House of Blues private club The Foundation Room at the top of Mandalay Bay. Or we tried to. It was unexpectedly closed that night. Then we tried to go the next night and I couldn’t get in with jeans. Fine. I get the message. I’m going back to the room.

So I’m trying to sleep late for once and I hear from the room right next to me a mother scream at her kid,” Damn it, get down!” It was of course followed soon after by “He hit me first!” Then they started speaking in Spanish so I lost the rest of the conversation.

What the hell is wrong with people that they bring their children to Las Vegas? Are you in such a hurry to gamble away your money that you want to do it in front of your kids? Is this the family vacation you’ve always dreamed of? If so, you need better dreams.

There was a time when Vegas tried to get families to come. Hell, MGM even built a theme park behind their casino. That was a disastrous failure. Soon after all of Vegas changed its tune. Now it’s “What happens in Vegas…” The rest is not “can be documented in your family photo album.” Vegas is (and really always was) a seedy, glitzy adult playground with gambling, drinking, magicians, hookers, gourmet restaurants, and… comedians. I saw a car pulling a mobile billboard saying “Hot Girls delivered right to your room in 20 minutes or less” Or what? They’re free?

Hardly the place for children. And if they are under 21 they’re not really allowed on any of the casino floors anyway, by law. If you want to go to Vegas, get a babysitter. And if you can’t afford one, then you shouldn’t really be going to Las Vegas, should you? I come to Las Vegas to get away from screaming, fighting children. Not mine, yours.

"I'm going to give you a hard time."

Now with two kids, we have to divvy up the parenting duties a bit. Audge has been putting Bella to bed for the past few nights but suddenly she’s been giving her trouble. Toddler behavior. Having a toddler is like living with a bipolar Tasmanian devil. Everything’s fine… tick tick tick tick boom!

One night I said to Bella, “mommy’s putting you to bed tonight, and don’t give her a hard time.” “Okay” she replied. Audge got her to bed and settled and was about to read to her. Bella looked at her and said, ”I’m going to give you a hard time.” And she did. And the end of reading time I had to go in and put her to bed.

It amazed me that at three and a half our daughter was aware of her bad behavior, and knew what to call it. This is the mistake a lot of parents make. Thinking kids don’t know what they’re doing. They know exactly what they’re doing. It’s like they’ve already read “The Prince” by Machiavelli before they’re two.

So now I’m a bit more suspicious of my daughter’s behavior. What’s she up to? Is she hiding something? Does she think this will somehow lead to ice cream? It’s like a toddler episode of "24" .

So we don’t underestimate our toddler anymore. She’s too smart. In fact, it makes sense, it’s when their brain is developing and the most active. Our adult brains are dulled from mind numbingly boring jobs, cable news channels and processed foods in easy to carry wrappers. Looks like we’re going to have to step up our mental game.

Bowing to the Corporate Masters

In was a nice quiet Saturday Morning. Bella was playing on the floor with her books, the baby was asleep in the pack and play thing and Audge was food shopping. But then I got bored. I remembered when I was a kid Saturday had the best cartoons. Maybe I’ll check it out.

I asked Bella if she wanted to watch some television. She said yes. She never asks to “watch television” She’ll request something specific like Lady and the Tramp or Blade Runner, but never to just "Watch TV". We limit TV use so I like the fact that our TV isn’t on that often in our house. So I turned it on and looked at the channel guide.

Oooo a new Spiderman cartoon. Cool! Bella wanted to watch it too but asked for the theme song. I play it for her on CD, the old one from the 60’s cartoon. Sadly, no cool theme song on this one. Just dull character design and average exported overseas animation.

Bella and I started watching it. Her eyes glazed over and she was mesmerized. Suddenly gentle Doc Connors turned into the Lizard! One of my favorite Spiderman Villains because he’s a scientist who is missing an arm and injects himself with reptile DNA to regrow it. Instead he turns into a giant lizard. BUT HE STILL WEARS THE LAB COAT. Awesome. Although it was a little scary. Bella seems to like scary things, so she said it was OK and wanted to keep watching. As expected Spiderman saved the day and helped the lizard who “wanted to be a man” again.

Then the really scary part came. The commercials. The commercials showed upcoming shows from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (in the future?) Huh? Do Eastman and Laird know about this? Then a new Batman show. Bella said she wanted to see all of them. Then there was a Fruit loops commercial. She then wanted that “new cheerios cereal.”

I realized what I had done in that few minutes. I had opened the floodgates to corporate assholes who want our money. In just 30 minutes time she wanted everything she had seen, from Fruit Loops to seeing more shows, which creates an endless loop of mindless viewing and consuming. And it was so EASY. The television was saying “Just turn me on and hand them over.” It scared me a bit, I have to be honest.

So I turned the television OFF. These are my children, and frankly, soulless marketing suits, you can’t have them. Thankfully, Bella forgot about the ten other animated shows and the fruit loops in another 12 minutes. So out of sight, out of mind-- which can be a really good thing sometimes. But now I can’t get that old theme song out of my head. Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can… Where is that CD?

Why I love and hate Whole Foods Market

I'm guest blogging again! Here's where this week's Blog is:

http://www.ourmilkmoney.blogspot.com

Enjoy!