I'm in Las Vegas with the Robots

OK, so my posting has been a bit sporadic, to be generous. I really do enjoy blogging but the truth is I’ve been really…unavailable over the last few months and I don’t see it getting any better until September when I can resume a regular schedule. You mean the same September when the kids go to school? I’m sure that’s just a coincidence…

In fact the reason I’m writing this now is because I picked up some last minute work in Las Vegas so I’m typing this from the seclusion of my hotel room. I’m catching up on reading, blogging, e-mails, work, and most importantly, sleep. Yes, I’ve said it before, I’m the only one who goes to Las Vegas to get some sleep.

I love coming to Vegas a few times a year. I actually recharge here, as weird as that sounds. I don’t really gamble (not because I’m against it, but because I’m not very good at it) so I sleep, eat, work, and exercise. By the way, if you ever want to get away from the crowds in Vegas, go to the hotel gym. It’s like a ghost town.

As I walked the casino floor I saw something new. It was a big virtual blackjack machine. Instead of playing against a dealer, the players sat at a table and played against a giant screen. An image of a blackjack dealer gives you a fake smile and deals images of cards. So players were watching a digitized version of a vapid, breast implanted model pretending to deal blackjack. It didn’t even look like a novelty. It looked like I had stepped onto the set of Blade Runner.

OK, so I’ll go to the piano bar. That will be cool, right? Watch some actual musicians tickle the ivories and banter back and forth. Great. After a few minutes of listening I noticed that it just didn’t sound… right. I took a closer look at the pianos. And it turned out, they weren’t pianos. They were piano “shells” with electronic keyboards inside them where the piano keys should have been. REALLY? You’ve now screwed with the piano bar?! Sacrilege.

I went into the café. It sued to be in Vegas you could go in, order whatever you wanted anytime you wanted. French Toast at 5:00 pm? No problem. This time I went in at around 11:00 am and there were two options for breakfast. A ham and cheese Omelet or 2 eggs “any style” which usually means scrambled. I kept turning the menu over to see if I had missed something. I wanted to see what I could work out when the 80 year old waitress finally came over.

“Could I get a cheese omelet?”
“The ham and cheese omelet?”
“No, I just want a cheese omelet”
(pause)”OK, but I have to charge your for the ham and cheese omelet”
“Alright. Can I get fruit instead of hash browns?”
“That’s another three dollars”
(sigh)
“what’s that you’re drinking?”
“Uhm, water?”
(angry glare) “OK”

So I ate my breakfast under the watchful eye of the angry octogenarian bean counter. Was I eating too slow? Hmmm...

That’s when it hit me. I realized we weren’t customers anymore. We were dollar signs, or worse, bank account numbers. Granted, I was working so I wasn’t really a customer but I still needed to use the hotel services.

There used to be a time in Las Vegas where food and hotels were cheap and customer service was important and you could get French toast whenever you wanted. The casinos didn’t care. They were making their money at the tables. But once the big corporations took over, they wanted every penny you had, and didn’t care where they got it from, whether it was at a table or in an overpriced café. But on the other side of it was the notion that the corporations were trying to do everything faster and cheaper. (It used to be BETTER, faster, and cheaper, but better became too expensive)

After seeing virtual blackjack dealers and fake pianos I realized the bigger dystopian picture. Big corporations were slowly replacing us with machines and also treating us like them. It is not a good feeling. The truth is, only two or three companies now own all the casinos on the Vegas strip. So what do they care? If you go to another casino because you got poor service at one, the same company still gets your money.

In distancing us from our money by any means necessary, we were also being distanced from each other as humans. We are becoming detached from each other, and that’s not a good thing. At all. So hug your children, hug your spouse, hell, hug your friends, and enjoy that human connection the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed, before the future corporate robot overlords take it all away from us, dollar by dollar. Scarily, with our consent as we stare down at our iPhones.

Dateline Vegas: Comedy, Sleep, and Burlesque Ninjas

So I’m mostly through my week in Vegas already. I feel great. I really do. Yesterday I took a four hour nap. I didn’t want to, I just laid down for a moment and forgot to fight how exhausted I am all the time.

It’s been rough with the kids lately, especially since one has decided that sleeping really isn’t for him. We’re just trying to get through until September when they both start school. Or maybe we’ll find them jobs to tire them out, I don’t know.

So when the Improv offered me a week in Vegas I jumped at the chance. At this point, to sleep late five days in a row I would have paid them. Please don’t tell them I said that.

I drove here Tuesday, did my shows and promptly collapsed into my bed until around 5:30 am the next morning. I then MADE myself go back to sleep. No way I was getting up yet. So I did go back to sleep. Then I slept so much I had trouble getting up. Luckily the phone rang and that roused me out of my sleep coma.

But I felt better within 24 hours and I realized that there was an obvious reason my wife and I were feeling not so great all the time. We simply were not getting two things we need, especially when we get a little… more mature. Sleep and Exercise. I haven’t been eating that great since I’ve been here. This whole city is deep fried so you really have to go out of your way to find something healthy. But it didn’t matter. Two days of sleeping and exercise and it made a difference. I felt... human again. By the way, if you ever want to get away from the crowds in Las Vegas, just go to your hotel’s gym. No one will bother you there.

Then the fun began. Always an adventure here in Vegas. I went to a live presentation of a show trying to be sold. All the hotel executives were invited and if felt very… hollywoody and not in a good way. So the show premise was… burlesque ninjas. Yes. And yes, if there was a show in Vegas I would indeed be interested in seeing, it would be this one. That’s what’s really missing from Vegas. Why hasn’t anyone brought these two great things together before? Blue Man Group? No ninjas. Celine Dion? No swords. Cirque Du Soleil? Too many clowns.

So the show started in a stage that was much too small for the show. I really thought the burlesque ninjas were going to accidently stab each other with their swords they were so close. But, I have to say, these burlesque ninjas were quite professional. No Kill Bill style accidents occurred.

It wasn’t a full show so they went right to the finale. A husband and wife team did tricks with crossbows. Their names are Mr. and Mrs. G and they’ve been on Conan O’ Brien. Shooting through a playing card the other was holding, etc. Once they dude even turned around and shot at his wife using a mirror. It was amazing.

Then they pointed the crossbows at each other and did their finale which was to shoot slightly above the other’s head. I have to say I cringed. No matter how good my wife’s eyesight is, I pretty sure I wouldn’t let her point a crossbow at me. Granted, we never had that specific discussion, but I’m pretty sure I’d stick to my guns on that one. No honey, we’re not playing William Tell tonight.

So Vegas is still Vegas. It’s always fun for a few days. Of course I’m here for a week so by day six you’re pretty much ready to get the hell out of there. But I am enjoying myself and my quiet time. Yes, my quiet time in Las Vegas with the comedians, gamblers, and a crossbow wielding married couple. Good, quiet times. But most of my time has been in the hotel room. I’m the only one who comes to Vegas to get some sleep.

More Random Thoughts

Sometimes it’s nice to just put down some random thoughts because they are lonely and have nowhere else to go. Not big enough for a blog, but too big for Twitter. OK, maybe I just made that up, but still, random.

Big Bang Theory is actually a watchable network sitcom. I’ve also discovered, late into the game, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I just got invited to a LARP (Live Action Role Playing) game/event. At first I thought it was like a key party, but turns out it’s a Deadwood themed party that’s actually also a game. So I’ll need to work on my pronunciation of “cocksucker”. I haven’t committed to it yet, but I will say I am intrigued and requested more information. I do remember playing Dungeons and Dragons in high school ON PAPER, but this would obviously be far nerdier. In fact, I think this may be Nerd Everest. Once you LARP, I mean what’s left? Building your own sex robot, maybe, but I don't know how to do that.

I do NOT look like that guy from Imagination Movers….. He looks like me.

Sometimes the best part about having two kids is thinking about how great it is that you don’t have three.

When I have 50 followers I’ll add the Followers gadget. Only 41 more to go.

I am always one social networking site behind, which I think says something about me and my social and networking skills.

I haven’t performed in Las Vegas since the summer and I am really beginning to miss it. I’m the only one who goes to Las Vegas to get some sleep.

I just got the PS3 Netflix disk in the mail and it’s awesome. Netflix on my TV! Limited on-demand library! Imagine if they actually had movies I wanted to watch on demand!

Just watched Coraline on Blu Ray and the 3-D actually works. Imagine my surprise. 3D on TV used to be relegated to getting the glasses at Wawa and then when the show “event” would come on it wouldn’t work and be blurry. I remember Creature from the Black Lagoon and some Kung Fu movie from my youth. Neither worked.

Between the baby and the cat, some days it seems like I’m cleaning up crap all day long. Either in a box or in a diaper, it’s there, and it has to go.

I bought the new Paramore CD and while I’m enjoying it I feel guilty about it.

I’m here in Las Vegas and I was still woken up early by screaming children.

Here I am on my first Vegas gig at the Improv at Harrah’s since Griffin was born six weeks ago. I was looking forward to the rest. Yes, I’m the only one who goes to Vegas to get some sleep.

When you have two children you get to Vegas and realize what a quiet town it is. The casino and slot machines hardly make any noise at all. Gosh, It’s so quiet I could sleep right here on the floor next to the Blue Man Group.

I used to come to Las Vegas, work and go out and drink and party at night. Now when the shows are over I can’t wait to get back into the hotel room, check e-mail, read some comic books and go to sleep. I did try to go out one night with one of the other comedians. We went to the House of Blues private club The Foundation Room at the top of Mandalay Bay. Or we tried to. It was unexpectedly closed that night. Then we tried to go the next night and I couldn’t get in with jeans. Fine. I get the message. I’m going back to the room.

So I’m trying to sleep late for once and I hear from the room right next to me a mother scream at her kid,” Damn it, get down!” It was of course followed soon after by “He hit me first!” Then they started speaking in Spanish so I lost the rest of the conversation.

What the hell is wrong with people that they bring their children to Las Vegas? Are you in such a hurry to gamble away your money that you want to do it in front of your kids? Is this the family vacation you’ve always dreamed of? If so, you need better dreams.

There was a time when Vegas tried to get families to come. Hell, MGM even built a theme park behind their casino. That was a disastrous failure. Soon after all of Vegas changed its tune. Now it’s “What happens in Vegas…” The rest is not “can be documented in your family photo album.” Vegas is (and really always was) a seedy, glitzy adult playground with gambling, drinking, magicians, hookers, gourmet restaurants, and… comedians. I saw a car pulling a mobile billboard saying “Hot Girls delivered right to your room in 20 minutes or less” Or what? They’re free?

Hardly the place for children. And if they are under 21 they’re not really allowed on any of the casino floors anyway, by law. If you want to go to Vegas, get a babysitter. And if you can’t afford one, then you shouldn’t really be going to Las Vegas, should you? I come to Las Vegas to get away from screaming, fighting children. Not mine, yours.