The Most Miserable Place on Earth

OK, I am NOT talking about Disneyland. I love Disneyland, except of course for the massive crowds and the occasional male European tourist who wears shorts that are just a little bit too short. Please sir, I just ate a churro. Have some consideration.

No, I am indeed talking about the most miserable place on earth: Chuck E. Cheese’s. I remember seeing the commercials when I was in high school. I vowed never to set foot in one. I’ve kept that vow until last year, when TWO of Bella’s friends had birthday parties there. The first time was miserable but the second time was even worse and…. I’m out. Never again, even if the kids beg me. Thankfully, we live 40 minutes away from Disneyland so I’m pretty sure it will never happen.

Imagine the Jersey shore except dirtier, louder, and more annoying. You can use the actual Jersey shore or the new MTV show, it doesn’t matter. The comparison still stands. As you walk in you are assaulted with noise, aging, broken machines, outdated animatronics, miserable employees, miserable parents, and a creeping sense of capitulation laced with an odd sense of otherworldy dread.

Now, I know Chuck E Cheese started in the 70’s but I think it’s great that the animatronics are from the 50’s. I especially like the racist Italian drummer, Pasqually E. Pieplate. Look at the whole “band” for a moment. The band is made up of giant animals, and one Italian. Well done.

And Chuck, how can you have pizza that is WORSE than Dominos?! I didn’t think that was even possible. But you did it. And I know you’re supposed to be a mouse but were originally a rat (thanks again, Google), but you still look like a giant rat, Chuck. But I will say, if there really were giant rats after the apocalypse, I think they would eat each other before your pizza.

Then a friend of mine told me that there are a lot of shootings at Chuck E. Cheese’s. WHAT?! Of course, I could see them being suicides, but really?! shootings? So, I Googled shootings at Chuck E Cheese’s. 94,300 results came up. Go ahead, try it. Geez, folks, the tokens aren’t worth it. Just go buy the plastic necklace next time and stop fighting over the skeeball machine. Half of them don’t work anyway.

So did the kids have a good time? Yes, but they didn’t love it. Thank God. Bella was quickly bored with the lame rides and didn’t care about the games, and also thought the one climbing area and slide was insufficient. Score.

Chuck E Cheese was dirty, miserable, and crowded. Twice, in two different locations. We all felt really, really dirty afterwards. Like we had all just watched an episode of Rock of Love. If Purell made buckets we would have bought one. You know, I may be a father, but I’m also an adult. There are certain things I just don’t have to do anymore. I don’t have to ride a schoolbus, eat brussel sprouts, or go swimming if I don’t want to. And from now on, until the apocalypse, I don’t have to put up with any more bullshit from a giant rat.