I'm Moving.

Gentlefolk,

I am moving.  I'm consolidating.  Not for reals, just on the internets.  I will probably begin blogging a lot more, actually, because I want to talk about more stuff than just parenting.  I want to talk about movies, video games, the 80's, and the horror movie I have coming out next year.  Oh, I'll be talking about parenting too.  That hasn't gone away.  But I wanted to just kind of have one place to do everything.  And since all itinerations of my name were taken already, I am happy to welcome you to chrisjmancinionline.com.  Thanks for the support and for stopping by.  See you on the playground.

The Aging Baby

I am just going to jump over the fact that I don't post much anymore, and I am probably going to redesign my website soon and incorporate the blog there so it will be easier to manage everything.  Only a few years behind, but I get to everything eventually.  :)

I want to talk briefly about aging, because it's been bothering me lately.  People say children keep you young.  True, but they also remind you of how old you are.  We recently visited my brother's place, and he had a record player.  The kids had no idea what it was.  And what was worse, when I showed them how it worked, they were bored in two seconds.  OK, so was I but that's beside the point.

There is nothing like outdated machinery and children who have no idea what it is to bring home the point that you're getting older.  I may as well have showed them a stagecoach or a telegraph.

I will say there is such a joy in introducing your children to entertainment you grew up with, like The Muppets and we are also watching the 80's Transformers show.  There is also heartbreak when your children enjoy Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.  But hey they are children, and can be forgiven.  But the weird thing is, I get that movie now.  We were all expecting that movie to be for the 8 year old in all of us, but it was just for actual 8 year olds.  OK.  I wish I would have known that sooner.  I would not have spent so much time waiting in line.  But that's a Jedi under the bridge.

Some signs I am getting older:

1)I told a friend I was doing a stand-up show in his town, but he couldn't make it because he was getting a colonoscopy that day.

2)Sometimes I'm so exhausted my favorite activity to do with the kids is to be the "audience" as they put on a show.

3)It's taking me forever to finish one video game.  Granted, that includes expansion packs but I've been playing Red Dead Redemption forEVER.

4)I met with a financial planner and took it seriously.  Especially when he started shaking his head.

None of us can stop the aging process.  But sometimes moving to southern California helps.  There are no seasons, the weather is exactly the same, and everyone fights a losing battle against time, either mentally or physically or often both.  The illusion of time never passing.

But the truth is, it's not all bad.  I love watching the kids grow up.  I love watching them turn into little people.  I also love not having to change diapers anymore.  With age also comes... not changing diapers anymore.

But with age comes wisdom, unless you're really stupid.  But you saw those ones coming in high school.  As you sat in English class thinking, I don't even think Pizza Hut would hire that dude...   Age also brings perspective, and a broadened world view.  At least it is supposed to.  If it doesn't you're doing it wrong.

I am aging in some ways gracefully and in other ways horribly and childishly resentful about it.  C'est la vie.  In addition to seeing youth through the eyes of our children, we all find ways to keep ourselves young.  I am going to Comic-Con next week.  I'll be doing a panel on martial arts movies and hanging out at the Geekscape booth.  I'll be the one with the Sony Walkman.

Teaching a Daddy Class

Wow, two posts back to back. Crazy, right? I wanted to talk about this online class I’m teaching for new Dads. April 9th it starts and goes once a week for four weeks. And if you can’t make the live times obviously you can listen to them later. It’s the internet. You can do whatever you want.

Here’s the page: http://www.entheosacademy.com/courses/Pacify-Me

When the company approached me my initial reaction was... No. This feels like self-help scammy nonsense and I don’t want to be a part of it. It’s only $100 bucks but only $50 if you register early. Still, I wasn’t sold.

But then they said something that changed my mind. They said the most important thing is to get the information out there, and if people can’t afford the tuition they can take the class for free. With no upsell on timeshares or Amway products.

Then it started sounding good to me. Honestly, I want people to be good Dads. When I was about to become a father, I had no idea what I was doing, and no one to talk to about it. That’s why I wrote my book, Pacify Me. And that’s why I’m doing this class, and I’ll be answering questions directly from the students. (I almost said audience) Getting my jobs confused…

Am I a parenting expert like Dr. Spock or Dr. Sears? Of course not. That’s not the point. The point is that guys (and gals) need dude to dude or dude to lady honesty about what it’s going to be like to have a child, and how your life is going to change. And personally, I think that information is invaluable. You can always buy books or talk to your doctors about the practical and medical stuff.

So sure, I want people to pay for the class but I agree with the Entheos Academy--it’s more important to get the information out there. If you need it, I want you to have it.

So see you in class. Someone please bring me a jpeg of an apple.

Another Year Older

Wow. I know, it’s like I never even blog anymore. Honestly, the new book THE COMEDY FILM NERDS GUIDE TO MOVIES pretty much took over. I’ve never “edited” a book before. With 12 other writers on the book it was a lot of time both writing and editing and there was little time for anything else, including sleeping and eating. But I always seem to find time for eating. Oh, well, another issue for another day.

I had a birthday earlier this month, and it was great. Had a great weekend with the family and opened some presents, had a few friends over, my wife cooked a lovely dinner and it was cool. But then I took one day for myself, which I never do anymore.

I dropped the kids off, maybe a little too quickly, and then headed for Malibu where I went for a hike. Luckily my friend Graham called me while I was doing it so if I had been bitten by a rattlesnake, at least one person would have know where I was.

Then it was off to the movies. I saw a matinee of Wanderlust. We have two movie theaters near us, a good one and a shitty one. The shitty one had a better time so I went there. I never go there because it’s well, shitty, but I took the chance. The theater was empty, and they couldn’t get the movie to project properly. Which by the way, is the SECOND time this has happened to me at this theater. It fascinates me. A Movie theater only has to do ONE thing. Project a movie. And they couldn’t do it. I didn’t really care about the movie so it wasn’t that big a deal and I got a free pass to come back, which I will NEVER use.

Then it was off to the mall for a foot massage. Yes, you read that right. My feet had been hurting a bit lately from walking, attempting jogging, and Yoga. So I went to the massage place at the mall. And the older Japanese man gave me the price list and I walked in with him. Man, they had everything from full body to just feet. Didn’t really have the time for full body, or the patience, so I picked the 20 minute foot massage for around 20 bucks. Then too late I realized that the dude who handed me the price list would do it. Didn’t I get to pick my masseuse? I al least wanted a lady. Too late. Well, I didn’t want to be rude. So I let the older Japanese dude do it.

It was OK, I think my feet were a little sore so it kinda hurt in parts put at the end my feet felt WAY better than when I walked in, so mission accomplished. Later, my wife said “I could have rubbed your feet and we could have saved the money” Then I said something really creepy like “You’ll never rub my feet the way a 50 year old Japanese man at the mall can.” Nothing more was said for a good 20 minutes.

Yes, I’m another year older, which sucks. Blog posts about missing my youth would take up hundreds of pages and the rest of the year. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing I don’t have time to write them. But I’m here, and while the cliché is “I can’t complain,” I’ve found I’m really very good at it. So I will continue to count my blessings, be joyful, age ungracefully, and complain. But I will try to at least complain more joyfully.

Praise for Hugo

Man, it’s been a busy month. OK, I said I would only be updating once a month and… Oh, wait. Here it is.

The good news is that the new book is now with the editor so I have a break for a bit. The Comedy Film Nerds Guide to Movies has been a project myself, my CFN partner Graham Elwood and 11 other writers have been working on for over a year. And it’s finally edging towards the finish line and should be out in June if everything goes according to plan. It will be in bookstores (what are they?) and digital platforms online and of course for sale at comedyfilmnerds.com.

But I had just finished my chapters, including one on Family Films and Film School classics and never really thought about them being linked. Until I saw Martin Scorsese’s beautiful new film Hugo. It’s amazing. I usually leave the movie reviews over at CFN but I need to talk about this film some more. Plus, Neil T. Weakley did a fantastic job on the review over there so it’s covered.

In the upcoming book I touch on George Melies in the Film School Classics chapter and never thought I’d see him referenced in a “family” film, but there it is. And it’s done brilliantly. It’s gets to the heart of who we are, and why stories are so important. For the most obvious reason of all: They bring us together. Often in a dark theater with asshole teenagers texting next to us, but ultimately we are still brought together. The buzz on Hugo is that it is a love letter to film, and that is partially true. But it’s more of love letter to storytelling, storytellers, and how at heart that’s really who we all are.

From the trailer, it looks like a boy living in a train station clock trying to get his toy robot to work that his father left him. That is only one part of the film. But I guess it’s the part the trailer editor felt was important. Oh, don’t get me started on trailers. But I digress.

What’s weird is that it’s a “family” film. Yes, it’s a family film and the whole family can enjoy it, but ultimately young children who don’t have a working knowledge of early 1900s film history may be a little bored. Just saying. But it’s really just a great film without any sex, violence, cursing or other “adult” themes. Does that make it a family film? The absence of any scenes that would garner an R rating? Maybe. I won’t show it to my daughter until she is older, like around 9 or 10. Not because there is anything objectionable, but I think she’ll appreciate it much more in a few years. Right now she’d be bored if the robot doesn’t act like the Iron Giant, so we’ll wait a bit.

This is a movie made by dreamers for dreamers. I’ve always been one. I still am. We all are, even if we forget sometimes. That’s the point of the film. Martin Scorsese reminds us why we are all dreamers, and how dull life would be otherwise. See this film.

Let Go Or Be Dragged

I don’t get out so much anymore, but a friend of mine was doing an essay show last night. That’s where performers of varying ability go on stage and read personal essays with variable success. My pal did great, some performers… needed a bit more practice… but there was another performer who said something I hadn’t heard before, and it resonated with me.

The performer was talking about the baggage in her life and remembered a saying “Let Go or Be Dragged”. I guess it’s a popular saying, but I had never heard it before. And it makes SO much sense. And I need to do it more. Right now.

How much shit do we hold onto on a daily basis? Sometimes I lose count. I’m like an emotional pack rat sometimes. When we get older it seems to get worse. We have more room to put things. I’m not sure how that is, or what’s gone in our heads that’s making all that room, and I’m not sure I want to know.

Everything from childhood nonsense, parenting nonsense, work nonsense, and relationship nonsense just has to go. The fun nonsense you can keep. But ultimately, what’s done is done. Let go.

Sometimes I hear my brain going “I need this, I need that” and I realize slowly, “No, you don’t.” Except maybe Mass Effect 3 when that comes out. Geez, what’s taking so long?!

So is being dragged a function of aging? Sadly, I think it is. There is just simply more stuff to hang onto, and our mental toy box is getting full. So, for me, I am trying to make my brain have a garage sale. Try it. Get rid of all that shit you don’t want, from the asshole cutting you off on the 405 (If I ever FIND that son of a bitch)… the job you didn’t get, the screw job on a car repair, or the new computer you just bought bursting into flames or Home Depot screwing up your kitchen install. (Most of that list has actually happened to me)

But if you really look back on it, who cares? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t. Well, in that case, I’m done. I’m tired of being dragged. I’m letting go.

A Bookstore Made Me Sad

I was waiting to get my Volkswagen fixed, for the thousandth time, and wandered into a used bookstore on Melrose ave that I had never noticed before. Of course I did this after going into Golden Apple to check out the comics.

I walked in and a welcoming, musty smell greeted me. The kind only old bookstores have. Two old dudes ran the place, and it was piled from floor to ceiling with used books. And they were also all over the floors and aisles. As I walked in and looked at the piled and piles of books towering over me, I got a bit nervous since we live in earthquake country. I did not want to get beaten to death by literature. That would be a very awkward obituary. “Writer killed by falling words”. But I boldly walked down the aisle and asked where the Science Fiction and Children’s sections were. Something for me, and something for the kids. My wife already had books she was backed up on and didn’t need any more.

I went to the Science Fiction section and found a Ray Bradbury book, short stories about dragons, and an old Marvel Comics Conan graphic novel. I also saw books I had read in high school that I didn’t really need to purchase again. But they were all nostalgic finds. I felt like a kid again. That’s when I became a bit melancholy. Bookstores are disappearing, and small used bookstores and becoming even rarer. I remember spending hours in them as a kid, finding old tomes like a treasure hunter and being elated when I found something really cool.

There are generations now who may never know that thrill. Less books are being published every year and while the internet has made browsing and self publishing accessible, it’s just not the same as going into a dusty bookstore looking for buried treasure. I loved going into the used book store vaults and taking the time and reading the back covers, looking at the artwork, and shuffling through science fiction books that are in no way alphabetized. I was always rewarded.

The truth is, books (and bookstores) were never meant to compete with a constant barrage of faster media from video screens. You have them everywhere. From multiple screens in your house to your phone where you can demand any type of entertainment you want. Why would you want to wander around a dusty bookstore where your purchases could possibly fall on your head? A Kindle is safer. (sigh)

I’m not saying books and reading are dead. If that were the case then the world would truly be ending. I’m saying the way we used to take the time and discover new worlds through books by physically going into a store and browsing may be on the way out. The library may soon be the last place you can do that.

So if you see a used bookstore, go in it. You never know what you may find. These days, it’s the closest thing we have to a time machine. And those old books sitting on the shelves look lonely. They want to be read. Give them a chance.

Do Writers Get Upset Over Bad Reviews?

This is an interesting question. The answer is very simple: Yes, but we pretend we don’t. As a writer, whether you’re an author, blogger, screenwriter, etc. it doesn’t matter. You are subject to scrutiny by normal people and lunatics alike.

When you write, you put yourself out there and you hope people will like it and no matter how many people do, somehow our artsy brains fixate on the asshole who doesn’t like us. It takes a long time to let this go.

I remember years ago I was doing a show in this shitty one nighter and it was horrible. Lots of cowboy hats and large belt buckles, and I’m not sure how I ended up there. Anyway, I was bombing and was thinking at least I should try to ride the mechanical bull. But there was one table of college kids who thought I was awesome.


The next comic went on and was a road act and killed. They loved him, except for the table of college kids who liked me and thought he was terrible. I was OK with the night, I still got paid, it was just a bad night and clearly, not my audience. The other comic and I drove back together and all he could talk about was that table of college kids who hated him. He had the rest of the audience… from Hee Haw enjoying him. But he couldn’t let it go.

My point is, let it go. Whether you’re a writer or not. In your life, just let it go. Not everyone is going to like you. That’s just not how life works. And if you think everyone likes you, someone is lying to you, or everyone is afraid to make you upset because of some kind of psychological history. But the point is, it doesn’t matter. The people that will matter to you will like you. The people that don’t, don’t.

But the internet makes being a troll all the more inviting for assholes. It’s anonymous. You can say things you would never say to someone in person, and you don’t have to sign your name. You can even do it in 140 characters or less.

Amazon reviews or blog comments are very interesting when you break them down. I think 70% total are legitimate, but maybe less. On the positive side, you have fake good reviews by friends, and on the negative side it’s more complicated. Now you have people who write long negative reviews or comments to draw you to their own bullshit, a website or a self-published book. That’s how you want to get fans? By trashing someone else? Really?!

Misguided self-promotion aside, how many well thought out negative reviews or comments have you read? Very few. They are filled with anger, emotion, and often misspellings. People don’t get it and get angry that they don’t. They get angry that you don’t think like them, in their tiny little lizard brain capacity. It’s surprising they can type with prehensile appendages, but whatever. Oh, but if you do get a well thought out negative review with constructive criticism, they are at least worth reading. That’s about 1 in 1,000.

So do negative reviews bother me personally? Sure. But not as much as they used to. I’ve been learning to let things go. Not easy but I’m learning. Sometimes I’ll just reread some of the amazing positive emails or reviews I’ve received on how my book has helped someone. Then the negative reviews mean even less.

But the truth about negative and even positive reviews still holds: There is, guaranteed, one way to never ever get any bad reviews or comments: Don’t write anything.

Good luck and keep writing.

Baby on a Budget

Ok, time for the monthly blog post. That’s right, I said monthly. I’m not gonna conform to these Byzantine “one post a week” rules. Actually, one of the reasons I haven’t been posting much is that I was working on another book. An Ebook, and it’s called BABY ON A BUDGET and is out now.

Most books exist in both “regular” and “E” versions. But this one is only an Ebook because it is chock full of links to help you budget and save money in the first year of parenthood and poorenthood.

I’m not the best at budgeting and money management. I’m really not and never have been. So when I was asked to write the US version of BABY ON A BUDGET I was a little hesitant. What did I know about budgeting? I am a writer and a comedian. It was like asking a NASCAR Driver to do heart surgery. But then I thought for a moment. What better time to learn? Budgeting, not NASCAR driving. Hey, I even tried to make budgeting funny. That was a bit of a challenge. As a rule, budgeting is not so funny. Unless your adding machines are being operated by monkeys wearing tuxedos. Okay that’s funny, but too expensive.

So I dove into writing the US version of BABY ON A BUDGET for the DIYFATHER.com website based in New Zealand. And the first thing I learned is that things are very different in other countries when it comes to childcare and healthcare in general. What has this got to do with budgeting? A lot, actually.

There are a lot less people in New Zealand, but the government seems to care about them more. I had to jettison whole sections of the book dealing with all of the government aid and subsidies you get just for having a child over there. Including help with healthcare. Here, we don’t get squat except a $1000 tax credit.

But there was a lot more to learn, like how to use online shopping, budgeting websites, and hand me downs to really lower the cost of having a baby. Some of these tips I already knew, some of them were knew and some of them I REALLY which I had known back when we were having our first child.

So while I was writing, I learned a lot about budgeting and how much more I had to do. Budgeting is like dieting. The only way it works long term is if you change your lifestyle, not going on a crash diet. This whole “spend less than you take home” thing, is kind of a new concept to a generation raised (and almost destroyed) on and by credit. But you have to do it. I’m tired of being at the mercy of banks and insane interest rates. Not to mention crooked business practices. Bailout, anyone? I’m sure you are sick of it too. Of course it’s easy to fall off the horse, with dieting and budgeting. We all come home with a box full of donuts now and then. I mean that literally and possibly metaphorically.

So why not do something about it? We’ve started and our personal debt is now finally going in the right direction: down. It will take some time but I think we’re on a better track now. It’s actually not that impossible. You just have to have a starting point and an understanding of what you need vs what you want. And for some of us, it started with having a baby. Do we NEED designer crib sheets? Do we NEED an expensive nursery “theme”? No. You can buy diapers online and on sale. You can wear hand me down clothes. (OK, it may look weird if you start doing that but it’s fine for the baby) We do hand me downs with clothes, why not toys? Ah, see? I just saved you money right there.

You often learn by reading. This time, I learned by writing. And I really hope it will help other people too. You don’t have to spend a fortune to have a baby. Budgeting pays off many times over. It just takes a little more time, effort, and energy to save money. Because not all of us live in New Zealand.

BABY ON A BUDGET is available at AMAZON.com on Kindle (you don’t need a Kindle to read it, you can download a free reader). Just click on the link to the left.

Throwing Up For Jesus

So we’re not so great about going to church, but the Catholic guilt does kick in every once in a while. We decided to go to the church fair with the family. It’s still church but with rides and fried food. What could possibly go wrong? Slather on the sunscreen, everyone in their hats, great. Tick tick tick tick….

Our six year old daughter is a bit of a daredevil and wants to go on every ride immediately. Some of the ones looked tame, and then there were the ones myself or my wife has to go on with her. I like amusement park rides, but carnival and fair rides I’m not as huge a fan of. And after this day, even less so.

Bella picks one of the rides that looks like one of those mini swing rides that every amusement park has, the one where you get strapped to a large swing and it goes up and around in a circle. Fine.

So I’m in line with Bella and then I notice something I hadn’t noticed before. The weird umbrella swing ride was going faster and faster. I was starting to have some doubts. My wife and son came over and she said something casually like “I would go on with her but I don’t have the right shoes.” Really?! Man, why didn’t I think of that? Such a lame excuse but it confused me long enough for her to walk away.

So I got on the ride and it started off fine. I had been on those giant swing rides before with Bella and no problem. She started laughing, having a great time. But then with every revolution it got faster. And faster. And faster. Too late, I realized the ride was a centrifuge disguised as a swing ride. All the platelets were spinning out of my blood.

Round and round, faster and faster and then the ride did something that sent me over the edge. It was going up and around, on an angle, way too fast, and then the basket/seat started swinging from side to side. I had had enough. Time to be the no fun dad. I held out for as long as I could.
Every time I went past the carnie, I yelled “stop”.

After five times, he stopped the ride and I stumbled off. Bella, however wanted to stay on but she couldn’t ride alone so she gave me a 6 year old hissy fit while I was trying to figure out how not to get hit in the face with the ground.

I soon caught up with the wife and son. She saw how pale I was and we sat down, drank some coke and they all had some ice cream. I thought “This will pass, right?” And… no. Twenty minutes later I had to announce I had to go home and obviously couldn’t drive. We drove home with the kids upset but I think the church was pleased we spent some money at least. Catholic guild appeased.

It was a horrible ride home, we stopped at every light and I felt like my stomach didn’t. I got home, ran into the bathroom and puked my guts out like I was at my bachelor party. Only this time it didn’t taste like kamikazes. So I was throwing up, but for once it was for a good cause.

When I finally recovered my wife said to me “Awww, you just wanted to go on the ride with your daughter so she could have fun. You’re a good daddy.” Wow, unexpected bonus points. But from now on, when we go to a fair or a carnival, I’m bringing the wrong shoes.

My Life with Video Games

I haven't disappeared. I've just been sick, the kids were sick, not necessarily in that order. When you have kids, flu season seems to last for 11 months. Ugh. Everyone is better now. Anyway, I thought I'd post an article I did for... I can't remember. So many places wanting free content, I just can't keep them straight. My Life with Video Games. Enjoy.

I’ve been playing video games for as long as I can remember. It started one fateful evening when my family went out to dinner and there was this new machine at the restaurant, and it wasn’t a pinball machine. It had two long blocks and the goal was to knock the smaller block past the other player’s larger block. Yes, it was 1972 and the game was PONG, I was mesmerized at the time like a teenager watching Charlie’s Angels, and soon the video game industry was born.

I remember playing a pinball machine my grandfather had in his basement, but even then it was an antique. You stuck a penny in and you got to play, but all the ball really did was hit some metal strips and then went into one of the various holes with no fanfare whatsoever. I don’t even thing electricity was involved. So to play PONG, it was a revelation.

And thus with the birth of the video game industry my pixual awakening occurred, and I knew right then I would lose many, many hours of my life staring at a screen in someone’s basement for the next 30 some years. Voluntarily. Tanks made of blocks, dragons that looked like ducks, and a game where all you did was fish was all it took to amuse us back then. Seriously, Fishing Derby?! I don’t think that game is on Activision’s remake slate anytime soon.

OK, now that I’m in LA, I’m all growed up and have a family of my own. I still play video games. Due to little things like earthquakes there are no basements here so it kind of ruins the nostalgia a little bit, but it’s still just as shut-inny.

I remember hooking up our Atari 2600 to a 19 inch television. It was basic, blurry, and we loved it. Except for that E.T. game. Even back then we know that was a piece of crap. But our favorites were Missile Command, Superman, Adventure, and Megamania. Of course, Combat, the game that came with the system gave us a bunch of hours and a few headaches as well.

“Why don’t you guys go outside?” was all we would hear from upstairs. OK, we did go outside a lot, but half the time was indeed spent sequestered like an indecisive jury going over forensic evidence. But we were trying to get to the next level on Pac Man, which looked nothing like the arcade game.

Now, like a lot of guys, I never stopped playing video games. I never “took a break”. From the Atari 2600 to the Nintendo machine with the stupid robot to the Sega Genesis to the X-Box 360, video games have matured with us, and we have matured with them. Well, sort of. We’re making more money now, at least. We have to as the new systems and games are a lot more expensive.

I never got into the online play as much, with the shooters and World of Warcraft. Mainly because I think I might like it a little bit TOO much. But I like the social experience. That piece of nostalgia can still ring true. I would go to Halo parties with four X-Boxes linked together and eight dudes in one room, eight in another. It’s so cool to frag someone and then hear a very loud expletive immediately coming from the neighboring room.

But the gaming industry has matured to the point where, like movies and television, there is something for everyone. But that means there is also more stuff you have to be aware of and keep your children from. But, hey, this time it’s easy, right? We’re in Best Buy or GameStop and usually know more than the clerks anyway. We know what’s appropriate and what’s not. We’re DUDES. We can tell The Covenant from Spyro. Mario from Sam Fisher. Banjo from Kazooie. It’s our wheelhouse.

Now my four year old daughter and I are playing Kingdom Hearts together. Disney and Final Fantasy, how can you go wrong? OK, she’s not really playing as much as telling me what to do. “Go see Winnie the Pooh! Talk to the Princesses! Read what they are saying!”

Now with two young children I have a lot less time to play, but at the end of a grueling day, an hour with a wireless controller definitely relaxes me. Unless I’m stuck on a boss fight in God of War, then it’s not so relaxing.

Video games have come a long way. And they have caught up and in some ways surpassed other entertainment mediums. So as parents, this means we have one more thing to watch out for. But like I said, it’s something we’re already intimately familiar with. So FINALLY, something that’s easy for us. I try to hide my “adult” games and don’t even let my daughter see the covers so as to not even arouse her curiosity. So it’s Kingdom Hearts at 7:00pm, Bedtime at 8:00 pm and then Resident Evil at 9:00pm. And then usually bed by 9:45. Because I’m an adult. I can go to bed whenever… the kids let me.

Comedy and Japan

Time for the monthly blog post. I like blogging, I’m finding, but if I force myself to make more posts, I find I don’t enjoy it as much. Isn’t that the point? I’ve seen a lot of “final posts” from bloggers who ran out of things to say and they had been updating quite regularly. Hey, slow down, Fast Eddie. Blogging should be like any other writing: You do it because you love it. If you’re not loving it, change it so that you are. If that means less updates, then so be it. OK, rationalization over.

Now, unless you live in a cave without wifi, you are aware of what’s going on in Japan. The easiest, quickest way to help is just to go to redcross.org.

Now when you think of comedy, it’s difficult to think of it as anything more than entertainment, and how it can lighten your mood. But can it really help people?

Graham Elwood and I have been doing the comedyfilmnerds.com podcast for over a year now and we’ve been really loving it. It’s been fun, liberating and just very satisfying. We have many listeners, from all over the world. That’s what’s so amazing about the internet. You can now really reach people all over the world with your work. As long as they understand your language of course.

We have listeners in Japan, and we started hearing from them. And what we heard was heartbreaking. Thankfully, the fans we heard from were safe and so were their families. One guy e-mailed and said it took him 8 hours to walk home from work since the trains weren’t running. He was worried about his family and listened to us on the walk, and it made him feel better and gave him a few laughs as he walked home with no way to contact his family. When he finally got home, everyone was OK.

We received another e-mail from another fan about how Comedy Film Nerds fans and other writers for our site kept her company via Twitter during the hardest time. So thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we could communicate and ultimately make a connection with each other. Isn’t that the whole point of social media? Or is it to play Farmville?

To have what we do in some small way help people, especially during a tragedy, is about as big of a compliment there is. Ultimately, as artists, no matter what we’re doing be it writing a novel, painting a pastoral landscape or telling a joke, the end goal is to make someone’s life a little better, by giving them an escape, (or in rare cases, having your work stay with them) even if just for a fleeting moment. Artists have certainly done it for me, and to hear we’ve done it for other people is again, the ultimate compliment.

So Graham and I were humbled and flattered by the e-mails. But obviously, there is so much more we can do. So please help. Jokes are great, but people need food, clothing, and shelter as well. Redcross.org

How I Lost My Shit at the Walgreens

OK, so my blogging frequency has sucked lately. Bloggers often say “Well, I just didn’t have anything to say.” Not my problem. I have plenty to say, and according to most people around me, a bit too much. Time is more my whole issue. So I’m doing once a month, more if I have time. There aren’t any rules, right? I don’t HAVE to do once a week, right? It’s still free content. (plug) Please buy my book.

Last night the headline almost read “Comedian Throttles Walgreen’s Employee For Gross Incompetence And Stupidity At 5:00 Am. And He Was Completely Justified, Other Customers Applaud”

Our two year old finally got Pink Eye. Everyone else in his preschool class had it, so it was only a matter of time. Our doctor called in eye drops to the Walgreens. They couldn’t get it filled for hours and Griffin was already asleep so I would get it in the morning. 4:45 am rolls around and Griffin is up, crying and complaining about his eyes hurting and goo coming out. Fine. Off to the pharmacy I went.

Sadly, the days of the neighborhood pharmacy and competent pharmacy staff are over. Everything is corporatized and lowered down to the cheapest possible way to operate. When I was a kid we had a neighborhood pharmacy and the pharmacist’s name was Burt. He knew you and would help you out. Any problem with a prescription or insurance, he’d take care of it. And, if you can believe it, he knew how to work the cash register.

But I wasn’t going to see Burt. I was going to a corporate pharmacy run by apathetic, lobotomized sloths. I knew I was in trouble when I was waiting for my prescription and the guy in front of me had a problem. He got it resolved.. eventually. My turn. She can’t find the prescription. The woman behind the counter is literally rooting around on the floor for the prescription because everything is in bins because no one has alphabetized them yet. She looks at me, hoping I’ll tell her I’d come back later. No way. I look back and say “Keep looking. My son needs the medicine.”

She finds it. Finally. It’s already been 10 minutes. She tells me it will be $120. I tell her we have insurance. I even give her my card. AGAIN. Not working. She’s typing the numbers in right from the card. Nothing. She FINALLY gets it right, with the manager’s help. Another 10 minutes. The price goes down to $15.

I’m starting to lose it. It’s 5:00 am, I haven’t slept in 10 months due to Griffin’s sleep disorder, my son is suffering because this idiotic woman can’t get her shit together.

She starts to ring it up along with a few tissues and some other small items. I run my card and enter my pin. Her register starts to beep. She looks like a cat after you flash a flashlight into its eyes. She tries again. More beeps. I don’t need my receipt. I can’t take it anymore and lose it. We’re going on 30 minutes now. I tell her “You figure it out. I’m leaving” So I walk out. I hear her call the manager and yell after me that I can’t leave. I keep walking.

It’s then that a little voice in my head says that “Hey, maybe you should stop walking.” So I turned around saw the idiot following me, and I went back with this now hyper stupid person to the pharmacy department.

Turns out this idiot made a perfect sweep of being incompetent, and the transaction didn’t go through at all. So if I hadn’t turned around, I would have been stealing thanks to her moroness. I yelled at her that I didn’t have any more time and my son was sick, and she better get het manager back here immediately.

Now, here’s where it’s going to sound like I’m making it up. Both her and the manager show up, no apology, and neither can get back into the pharmacy department because this idiot didn’t know the combination to the door. It shut and locked behind her when she followed me out.

And apparently the manager didn’t have the combination either. They kept trying. I looked at them like they were the dumbest people in the world, which they probably were. Not because they couldn’t remember the combination, but because IT WAS AN OPEN AIR PHARMACY. I actually had to say “JUST CLIMB OVER THE COUNTER!” That type of security won’t keep out a mildly determined four year old. It’s like locking a screen door.

Now at this point, I know not to call anyone an idiot or stupid, because that would be rude, but here are the names that went through my head at the time: Stupid Stupiderman, Lady Duh Duh, Idiota Moronica, Dommo Arrigato Mrs. Retardo, How are you alive because you are so stupidicus?, Queen Dumbass, and Retardabitch. But I kept them to myself.

Moron Lady climbed over the counter, thank God I made the suggestion, and then let her idiot manager in. They rang me up. Over 40 minutes now. I was ready to let loose on these people, but again, I kept my cool and told the manager, “You need to train your people better.”

The manager calmly replied “she’s a floater”. I paused. The Manager’s response was very telling. Many words were said underneath what she actually said. What she was really saying was, “Like the corporation who employs me, I just don’t give a shit.” She obviously didn’t care that this person had no idea what she was doing, and didn’t care that this idiot behind the pharmacy counter who was normally stocking candy and Slim Jims was in charge of giving out prescription pharmaceuticals. There was no apology, nothing, and it was a little scary. It’s the new corporate strategy: Cutback and hire apathetic morons. Well done.

Ironically, I had originally switched to Walgreens because Rite Aid kept fucking up my prescriptions. Guess the joke’s on me. I miss Burt.

24 Hours in Monterey... Alone

Well, the holidays are now over and I have to say I think the kids really enjoyed them. The adults, well, let’s just say the kids really enjoyed them. We had our bouts of illness, at some point everyone was down.

The real killer happened when our two year old got sick and we had to cancel our two day Monterey Trip. Sort of. The wife and I haven’t gone away for a while and we had planned two days in Monterey over six months ago while the grandparents looked after the kids. We were both looking forward to it. Mainly to unwind and sleep since our two year old also has a sleeping disorder and won’t sleep through the night no matter what we try. Everything from blacking out the curtains, changing the bedtime, talking clocks, rags filled with ether, etc. It just doesn’t matter. That kid is UP.

So we had to cancel the trip. The problem is, in order to save money we got an advance internet rate that was non-refundable. So our hotel room was paid for and enjoying Monterey without us. We called the hotel and they wouldn’t budge. We tried to see if any of our friends wanted it—no takers.

Finally on the second day we agreed (mostly me) that ONE of us should use it, since it was paid for. I offered it to my wife but the little one was in “I Want Mommy” sick mode so it made more sense for me to go. I love rationalizing.

So off I went on the 5-6 hour drive to Monterey, by myself. I got to the hotel, checked in, enjoyed some free wine and went to a nice dinner by myself. Walking around Monterey it’s all couples and families. Walking around by myself I got a lot of looks like “Oh, he must work here.”

I have to say, I really missed my wife. It was the whole point of the trip. But still, it’s been a tough year and even alone the trip was worth it. Walking around by yourself and looking at the ocean, well, there are worst ways to spend an evening.

So I went back to the hotel, laid down and… couldn’t sleep. I was too hot. There was no way to regulate the temperature in the room. There was just a knob with no numbers or markings of any kind on it. Note to hotel: If you are going to renovate, add a freaking thermostat to your rooms. So I was too hot. Then I finally fell asleep and woke up at three in the morning freezing. I moved the mystery knob and hoped the room would warm up. It did, eventually, and I went back to sleep.

I got up, had a lame continental breakfast (included in my already paid for room, I was tempted to ask for yesterday’s too) and was on my way.

Driving back on Pacific Coast Highway, looking at the scenery, I finally felt my body start to untangle. You can’t look at the beautiful Northern California coast and not be affected by it. No wonder it costs a billion dollars to live there. I stopped, took some pictures, and took my time getting back.

So it wasn’t the best vacation ever, but it did drive a point home: Everyone needs a change of scenery, even just for 24 hours. I felt a lot better when I got back. I still do, just from that little trip. Now I’m sure my wife is starting to price hotels in Santa Barbara as I type this…

Go Random!

I thought it was time for another random smattering of mini-posts. Actually, it was time for any type of post at this point. Have I lost interest in blogging? Not really, I just seem to be losing time.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! In our land of cable news and iPhones sometimes we forget all the things we are thankful for. And one of them isn’t cable news.

Hey Pandora ad department, if I am listening to free music through the internet, do you really think I can afford a Jaguar?

Two year old still is only sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Problem is there seems to be no problem. It looks like that’s all he needs. Dammit!

Saw a billboard for a loaf of cheese. For the love of God, people. Seriously. A cheese loaf. Stop the insanity. Although, I can’t wait to have a nice piece of bread in between my two slices of loaf cheese.

I am reading The Hunger Games and I am absolutely surprised about how good it is. Sometimes I read stuff to see “what all the fuss is about”, although I’m pretty sure I’ll never read the Twilight series. But The Hunger Games is in a class by itself. Satire, Pulp, and Science Fiction all in one “young adult” novel. It’s like reading a book version of the Japanese film Battle Royal, but with a world of backstory.

I’ve been watching The Walking Dead and now I’m having zombie apocalypse dreams. Again. Thanks, AMC.

I was just at the LA ZOO and I’ve never seen a zoo under constant construction more than the LA Zoo. It’s taking them over TWO years to build a freaking Reptile House. It’s just walls, cages, and lizards. Get on it!

This concludes our random blog post. Our irregular schedule will resume shortly.

My Two Worlds Collide

I recently went on the road and did a few great shows in Indiana at the Comedy Attic. It was a blast. Here’s how I knew I was in Indiana: There were TWO bibles in the hotel room drawer. One from the Mormons, and one from the Gideons. The funny thing was they were on opposite ends of the drawer, like they weren’t allowed to touch. Or there would be a Godsplosion.

Usually when I go in the road it (is rare, a break, I get some adult time and can talk about things other than Wow Wow Wubbzy, and I get to sleep in). Most of these things didn’t happen this time, and it was a very interesting trip.

First of all, no sleep. The travel schedule was tough with flying into Chicago, so no sleep. And then we did the Bob and Tom radio show the next day, so no sleep again.

But what really caught me off guard was when we got to the club’s green room where we hang out before the show. There was a pack ‘n play in it. The club owners had just had a baby. And he was in the green room. This caught me off guard a bit. My life had always been so compartmentalized. It was the weirdo entertainment side, and the baby/family side. They were never in the same room before.

Now, this little boy was adorable and only eight months old. And I have to say, I’m not a FOOPK (Fan Of Other People’s Kids) so it’s unusual for me to be enamored with another baby. But I was missing my kids a bit so I held him a little.

So as the shows went on over the weekend I would do my set and then sometimes hold the baby if the club owners had to take care of things like work lights and drop checks. So I was actually doing standup and occasional babysitting in the span of about 30 minutes. I even gave the new parents some tips since I had been through it twice now. I was the dude giving sage baby advice in a comedy green room. When did that happen?!

So I got to sleep in ONE morning and then pulled another all-nighter of travel back to LA. Wow, what a trip. The shows were great, the trip was fun, and it was interesting to see my two different worlds collide for the first time. Now let's never let that happen again.

Waiting for Superman

So I saw Waiting For Superman and it was just as depressing as I thought it would be. Our schools are a mess. Check. We had to pretty much do what a lot of parents must do now, and that is to lottery or permit your way into a better school. That is really just wrong on so many different levels.

Our “home school” is close by and in a beautiful neighborhood surrounded by expensive homes. And I know not one of those kids living in those homes goes to that school because after we toured it, we realized it was a mess. We have neighbors with young kids on either side of us, neither sends their kids to our “home school”.

One thought is, well, if your school is bad, get involved and make it better. Sorry, don’t have time for that and that’s really the principal’s job. Why would I subject my child to a bad school when I can send her to a better one down the road and get involved there, thus making a good school even greater? It takes years to make a school better, even with strong PTA involvement and by that time your child has already paid the price.

The movie focuses a lot on the teachers unions and while their tenure is a problem (It is next to impossible to fire an incompetent teacher) there are many other problems. Lack of funding and all sorts of bureaucracy hinders the evolution of our schools.

And our schools NEED to evolve. They just have to. We have an unemployment crisis in this country and high tech jobs are going unfilled because of a lack of education and training.

So fix it. The solutions seem so simple. Eliminate tenure. Lengthen the school day (no parent would be against that) Increase the funding. Stop having teachers pay for school supplies. Eliminate waste from the top down, not the bottom up as most companies do. Cut administrators and salaries at the top and work your way down to the teachers. Without good teachers, there is no education system.

I’m not trying to get on a high horse here, but this affects everyone, not just people with kids. As the film shows a bad school pours hundreds of uneducated, unmotivated kids back into the community. What are they going to do? What CAN they do? Not work at Oracle, that’s for sure.
Right now we are in a good grade school. But what about middle school? Then it starts all over again… but I’m already exhausted.

Teen Titans NOT a Go

Only nine days in between posts?! I know, check me out. I’m catching up…

I never thought I’d have to deal with superhero backpack related gender issues in kindergarten, but then again that shows what I know. Bella started kindergarten with a really cool Teen Titans backpack. She loves the show and was really excited about her backpack. No problem.

About a week into school I was picking her up and one of the older boys looks at me picking up her backpack and says “That’s a boy’s backpack” I said no it wasn’t, Teen Titans is cool and anyone can wear it. I go get Bella and she echoed the same thing, since apparently the boys were asking about it and let’s face it, those little jerks were just jealous because it is so cool.

So I told Bella that two of the Teen Titans are girls and they were on the backpack too. She said they weren’t. I took another look. She was right. Sure enough, Starfire and Raven were not on the backpack. Huh. Ok, maybe the backpack did skew a bit male, but that didn’t matter. She liked it, it was cool, and that was all that mattered.

But sadly, the damage was done. She immediately wanted a “girls” backpack. And not Supergirl, but Hello Kitty. She was going full on girly girl. (sigh) If that’s what she wanted, fine.

So we went to the mall and went to the overpriced Sanrio store and got Bella a Hello Kitty backpack. That store is SO annoying. It’s so filled with cute laced consumerism I found I was grinding my teeth unexpectedly. Then I saw my wife was buying a Hello Kitty iPhone case while we were there. Something really hypnotic about those colorful simple line drawings, I suppose. Personally, I find it creepy but that’s just me.

The problem is, even with buying her a backpack, you know when kids are in that “I’m not going to behave right now even if you buy me a pony” mode? Both kids were in it. In the Hello Kitty store. I wanted to hang myself with pink Hello Kitty taffy.

So we finally got out of the store and here is the kicker—We’re walking to the escalator and this guy comes up to me and asks “Would you and your family like to appear on Supernanny?” WTF?! I didn’t think they were being THAT bad. I mean the store was still standing, unfortunately. I politely said “No thank you” Considering the fact that I have written a parenting book I’m pretty sure going on Supernanny would be the worst possible publicity.

But after I thought about it, it was just a PA or intern that approached me, no more than 23 years old whose job was to just approach families whose kids were being loud. Let’s face it, if you kids are really out of control, the last place you’re going to bring them is the mall. It would just cost you too much in damages. He looks pretty frustrated. And bored. I’m sure he’ll have to go back to his producer and tell him that his mall idea was a bust, get yelled at and then go have to score some blow for him. That’s how television works.

So Bella got her backpack and she was happy. She eagerly transferred her school stuff to the new one and gave her old one to her brother. Both kids snapped out of their bad behavior mood. So mission accomplished, even without the help of an exploitative reality show.

First Week of School

Well, we got through it. As I had posted about before, it was a huge undertaking to get our daughter into a good public school. The one we were zoned for sucks, and we had to do the old razzle dazzle and permit her into a better one. An advance studies permit. For kindergarten. Hey, whatever works. I can’t wait to see that new documentary Waiting for Superman, because I think I’m really going to be able to relate to it. And I really like Superman.

So Bella was all excited the first day, and as expected, it was chaotic. Where to go, what to do, meet the teacher, find the classroom, have someone give you the wrong information, etc. It brought me back to my school days.

The weird thing was, I was a little nervous as so was my wife. It was like it was OUR first day of school. It’s true what they say about reliving your childhood through your kids. Although I haven’t gotten an Indian burn in a while, so that’s good.

School is different and it is also the same. Teachers, classes, etc that’s the same. But with budget cuts, everything is now extra. If you’re in a good school the PTA steps up to accommodate for the shortfall, as it should be. So we gotta pay a little bit more to the PTA to keep everything going, but it’s WAY cheaper than private school!

So after the orientation the first really day of school arrived… And Bella had a 101 fever and was coughing up a lung. Not a good start. Now we had to immediately look into all of the paperwork to find out how to excuse a sick day, on her first day of school ever. We were all pretty upset about it, but what are you gonna do. Someday we’ll look back on it and laugh. OK, more of an eye roll, but whatever.

So the second day was now her first day and I was walking her into class every day because there is no supervision before the bell rings. Great. And her backpack was too heavy. She couldn’t lift it. So I took out the gallon over emergency water and the inflatable raft from her backpack (we wanted her to be prepared) and she seemed to manage it OK.

But the important thing is she seems to like it and we signed her up for some after school programs as well. Homework is a new concept to her, but I think she’s catch on and stop saying “I don’t have to do this”. We’ll see. Her journey is starting, and it is exciting. We are so happy that we got her into a good school. For free. Now we have five more years before we have to worry about middle school…

Mummies! Part 2

Alright, I ALMOST was able to keep to a week. Thanks to everyone and your e-mails and comments. You guys truly flatter me.

So we started the “long walk” up to the mummies. There were pictures and some displays leading up so I pointed again to a picture of a mummy head.

“Are you sure that’s not too scary?”
“No.” was the quick reply from my five year old archeologist/monster hunter.

So it was showtime. We went in to see the mummies. First there was one of those audio wands you could listen too. I thought Bella would like that so I offered to get her one. “Five dollars more” said the girl behind the counter. Err, no thanks. I’ll do the narration.

So we started going through a dark makeshift corridor to look at the mummies. I was getting nervous again. But first, there were animal mummies. Monkeys and dogs. Creepy. Didn’t faze Bella in the slightest. She wanted to see the “big” mummies.

So we started to see the mummies, and Bella was just fascinated. She was staring at their mummified heads and wanted a closer look at an Egyptian sarcophagus so I held her up. "Whoahhh" she exclaimed. Very cute.

She was taking it all in and then saw another mummy. She was looking at its head, and then I noticed something. Well, let’s just say something else was also preserved. The last thing I want my daughter to look at was big shriveled mummy cock. Well, maybe it’s not the last thing, but it’s pretty high up there. I quickly ushered her away from that one before she could get the full picture and thankfully, all other mummies were “covered up” and “decent”.

We say a European mummy family, and other mummies from around the world. I was trying to usher Bella through the exhibit quickly, just because I was so nervous, but she wanted to see everything and was really enjoying it. It not only wasn’t frightening her, it wasn’t even fazing her at all. She was actually enjoying it. Maybe a little too much. I had flashes of lots of black clothes, My Chemical Romance CDs, and Neil Gaiman books in her future. Which is my present, of course. Good. I won’t have to buy anything.

We finished the exhibit and Bella was satisfied and I breathed a sigh of relief. She was fine. In fact, she really enjoyed it. Now we could both relax and go look at the ecosystems. We started with the desert, because I like lizards. And it was my turn to pick.

We had a great father daughter day at the museum. Turns out I was worried for no reason. For once. I also knew that my little girl was growing up strong, curious, and willful already. Two out of three ain’t bad.

I realized something on that trip. I’m pretty sure when I was five the mummies would have freaked me out a bit. I think kids have less fear today than before. Maybe it’s because of media saturation, I don’t know, but ultimately I think that is a good thing. Not the media saturation, the less fear part. While every child is different and can ultimately handle different things, I’m going to give my daughter a little more credit from now on.